WINTER DREAMS

Posted on Friday, June 26, 2009 by CASANOVA | 0 comments

The Train

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly.

Finally it creaks to a halt.

A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk by again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, after which you'll be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about that toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

Pesky Squirrels
There were four country churches in a small Texas Town The Presbyteria Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day , the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and considerationthey determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Catholic group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But the Methodist church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptised the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Epitaph Adjustment
A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving.

This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed.

"In that case," she said, "please add 'Till We Meet Again.'"

Tough Being Married
While I was watching Nascar this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married.

Posted on Friday, June 26, 2009 by CASANOVA | 0 comments

Letter To Mom

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it with trembling hands.

"Mom, it is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle.

But not only that, Mom. I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and Ecstasy we may want.

In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better because he really deserves it.

Don't worry, Mom. I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit, so you can know your grandchildren.

Your daughter, Judy

PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the Peggy's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worst things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer. Love you!

Age

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

Late Again?

Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree. "You can blame this on my dad. The reason I'm three hours late? Dad sleeps nights in the raw!"

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and Trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote.

The last Few nights HE done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"

"'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn't want ya hurt!' He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the henhouse he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop.

As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come asneakin' up behind Dad. Then we all looked on plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin'."

"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"

Boys Will Be Boys

Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week.

They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion.

The officer hauled them off to security for questioning.

The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."

Posted on Friday, June 26, 2009 by CASANOVA | 0 comments

Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, Lord. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!"

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.

The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!

Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"

To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.

It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.

"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."

"As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair.

"This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

Posted on Friday, June 26, 2009 by CASANOVA | 0 comments

The Story A boy lost his girlfriend in a train accident, but the her name nowhere appeared in the dead list. This boy grew up and became IT technical architect in his late 20s, and got achievements.He hired developers from the whole globe and plan to make a software where he could search for his girlfriend through the web, and things went as he ever planned. He found her, after losing millions of dollars and 3 long years! It was time to shut down the search operation, when the CEO of Google had a word with him and took over this application. This Software made a whopping 1 billion dollars profit in its first year, which we today know as ORKUT .The boy?s name is ORKUT BUYUKKOTEN . Yes it?s named after him only. Today he is paid a hefty sum by Google for the things we do like scrapping. He is expected to be the richest person by 2009.ORKUT BUYUKKOTEN today has 13 assistants to monitor his scrapbook & 8 to monitor his friends-list. He gets around 20,000 friend-requests a day & about 85,000 scraps !!!

Some other Cool Facts about this guy:

He gets $12 from Google when every person registers to this website.
He also gets $10 when you add somebody as a friend.
He gets $8 when your friend?s friend adds you as a friend & gets $6 if anybody adds you as friend in the resulting chain.
He gets $5 when you scrap somebody & $4 when somebody scraps you.
He also gets $200 for each photograph you upload on Orkut.
He gets $2.5 when you add your friend in the crush-list or in the hot-list.
He gets $2 when you become somebody?s fan.
He gets $1.5 when somebody else becomes your fan.
He even gets $1 every time you logout of Orkut.
He gets $0.5 every time you just change your profile-photograph.
He also gets $0.5 every time you read your friend?s scrap-book & $0.5 every time you view your friend?s friend-list.