The Perfect Husband
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club. After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.
Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
(H - Husband, W - Wife)
H- "Hello ?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club? "
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club? "
H - "Yes."
W -"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H -"What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,000."
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W -"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. It's a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price. And since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year...
W -"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. It's a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price. And since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year...
H - "What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $65,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else...
H -"What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beach front property."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price.. .and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - " Bye...I love you too..." The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks " Does anyone know who this Cell phone belong to???"
Why Don't We Pray ?
The highest privilege ever afforded to man is the power of prayer. ...then why don't we pray?
The right to talk to the highest potentate in all the universe... ...
then why don't we pray?
The most powerful force accessible to man is the potential of prayer... ...then why don't we pray?
The greatest longing in the heart of God is to talk to His children... ...
then why don't we pray?
Nothing is impossible to those who pray... ...
then why don't we pray?
No man ever fainted or faltered who gave himself to prayer... ...
then why don't we pray?
Every sin is forgiven, every stain is washed clean, all guilt diminished to the man who prays... ...
then why don't we pray?
Hell moves farther away, satan flees from the man who prays... ...
then why don't we pray?
Anointing will come, mountains will be moved, valleys made smooth, rivers made crossable, the inaccessible made accessible, the impossible made possible, dreams come through to the man who prays... ...then why don't we pray?
God said that men ought always to pray... ...
then why don't we pray?
Paul encouraged prayer without ceasing... ...
then why don't we pray?
The riches of heaven are open to those who pray in His name... ...
then why don't we pray? Everyone can pray, the young, the old, the rich, the poor, the strong, the weak, the child, the aged, the sinner, the prisoner, in any nation, in any language, all can pray... ...
then why don't we pray?
Naughty Joke of the Day..!
A girl visits the doctor's office for a regular physical examination.
As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red letter "G" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to the University of Guelph," she replies.
"We made love last night and he didn't take off his sweatshirt.
I suppose the University of Guelph logo may have imprinted my chest."
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for her annual check-up.
As she disrobes, the doctor notices a blue letter "Q" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" questions the doctor.
"Well, my boyfriend went to Queens University," replies the girl.
"We were fooling around last night. He left his Queens University sweatshirt on and I guess it left an imprint on my chest."
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for her examination. As she removes her top, the doctor notices a green letter "M" on her chest.
"Let me guess... you have a boyfriend at McMaster University," says the doctor.
Replies the girl, "No, but I have a girlfriend at the Waterloo University "
Lipstic
According to a news report, a certain private school in Sydney was recently faced with a unique problem .
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
After they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done .
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night - ( you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror ..
Moral to this story:-
There are teachers.... And then there are educators ..
Bank account of life
A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.
His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
As he manoeuvred his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.
"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room, just wait." "That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. " It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice. I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away just for this time in my life.
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3 . Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
As he manoeuvred his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.
"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room, just wait." "That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. " It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice. I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away just for this time in my life.
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3 . Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
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